The last article focused on the approach of not taking everything personally
(article is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/blog.html) But
there are several more rules that can help you with your marriage. The next rule
is an internal understanding that will transform your external actions.

Rule 2: Honor Your Commitment

This rule may seem obvious, but it isn't always reflected in our actions
toward our spouse. You see, our commitment, our promise to be together through
it all, is the cement of marriage. We often underestimate the importance of
commitment in our throw-away, disposable culture.

Yet powerful psychological shifts happen in a marriage as a result of
commitment. Think back to your wedding vows. Most of us took a vow to stay
together regardless of how our lives are going. We promise to "hang in there,"
through thick-and-thin, regardless of how our emotions are running at any
particular time.

Think for a moment about the power of knowing that someone makes a promise to
get through any difficulty with you. That completely frees you up to work on the
relationship, to resolve your difficulties, because at the end of the day, you
will be together.

In other words, commitment is the glue of a marriage. In fact, while we may
center marriages on lots of other ideals or attributes, this is the one that
carries the day. Center a marriage on happiness, and when there is a period that
lacks in happiness, there is no foundation. Center a marriage of great sex, and
when they fails, there is no safety net. Center a marriage on any particular
goal, and when that goal is met (money, kids, careers, etc.), there isn't
anywhere to go. But commitment is a continual event, and one that we can
maintain by our own choice.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize this is easier said than done, but isn't that
the point? Marriage is about consciously choosing the direction of the
relationship, rather than being blown by external events and expectations.

Which leads me to one of the implications for this rule: don't threaten
to leave or divorce in the midst of conflict. I have seen far too many
couples where the basic level of trust between them has been eroded by threats
of divorce or one leaving for a period of time.

The effect of this is to undermine the glue of commitment. It basically
creates the message that as long as things are going well, you will stay around.
But when things get tough, you change the rules and decide to leave. That is not
an environment conducive to working out a relationship. It means that one or
both people are always on guard of being left.

It reminds me of a book I recently saw in the bookstore on wedding vows. The
author, I think with the best of intentions, stated her belief that vows need to
be changed to reflect the "temporary nature of marriages." She suggested that a
promise could be made "as long as we love each other," or "as long as we want to
be together" as a substitute for "as long as we both shall live." That is not a
vow! That is basically a statement that "I promise to stay with you until I
decide not to." There is not a lot of stability to build upon.

When we make a vow, we assume we have some control over the outcome. If I
commit to staying in a marriage, I have control over that. When things get
difficult, I can continue to rely on the fact that I made a promise, and
therefore, I will work it out.

Which brings me to the second major implication of this rule: a marriage
built on commitment means that both people can relax into the marriage and drop
the basic fear that the other person is going to leave. By relax, I don't
mean "let it go, but rather a realization that fear is not necessary. In fact,
it gives me full ownership of the relationship. I am responsible for my half of
the commitment, and must make it work for myself and for my spouse. And if both
people are willing to focus on the commitment, the reverse is also
happening.

So today, make a decision to be committed in your relationship. Don't avoid
the commitment, but embrace it as the direction through difficulty. Take a look
in the mirror and see someone taking responsibility for your half of the
marriage staying together for as long as your vows suggested.

For this and other articles, visit Dr. Baucom's http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/blog.html