UNDERSTANDING RAGE
BUSTING THE ANGERBUSTER’S BUBBLE
Dr. Wilfred Calmas, MBA, Ph.D.
President, Calmas Associates
The "Angerbuster’s Movement", spearheaded by Newton Hightower, LCSW and Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc, is attempting to make anger history by suppressing it. This is quite unfortunate for the suppression of anger will lead to an increased level of rage in our country.
We need to understand that anger, like all emotions, is normal; a rather controversial statement but true. Anger, like jealousy and hate, etc. is considered to be negative (bad emotion). Love, joy and happiness are considered positive (good emotions). It is my contention that this dichotomy is not fruitful and is scientifically incorrect. Emotions such as anger are innate and children need no instruction to feel them. Parents must reward children at an early age to express anger and all emotions and teach them to verbalize feelings in a constructive way. However, children need to learn the difference between verbalizing versus acting out. For example, if a child feels angry at his father, mother or teacher, he/she should have the right to share the emotion but not the right to misbehave such as hitting, biting or slapping. If anger were dealt with early in life in this manner, we would not have the societal problem of the "rageaholic" as described by Newton Hightower.
Hightower, the guru of the "Angerbuster’s Movement" published his bible: "Anger Busting 101: New ABCs For Angry Men And The Women Who Love Them" in 2002 and it attracted a great deal of attention as a useful tool in keeping troubled marriages together. In his book, Hightower contends that angry men are becoming an epidemic in our society and their "rageaholic" behavior is the primary reason for the escalating rates of domestic homicide, abuse and marital breakups. While I will not dispute Hightower’s contention that out of control anger is a major contributing factor to the escalating rates of domestic homicide, abuse and marital breakups in this country, I am dead set against his recipe for change!
Hightower’s ABC’s for change are dangerous. He proposes that the "rageaholics" agree to the concept of total and complete abstaining from anger for life. Hightower contends that for "rageaholics", talking appropriately through anger with your spouse just does not work. It’s merely a prelude to another outburst. Citing the work of Carol Tavris in her comprehensive study: "Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion," Hightower claims that talking through anger is merely a myth. In fact, Hightower believes that anger is most often increased through discussion.
Newton Hightower contends that anger is an addiction, and for "rageaholics", it just spirals out of control once it begins. I could not disagree more with Hightower’s assumptions. I dispute his claims that simple techniques of abstinence not only will permanently stop anger and rage outbursts but will result in satisfactory long term relationships and work life. Hightower also states that abstinence is healthier. Citing the work of Dr. Ichiro Kawacki of the Harvard School of Public Health, Hightower claims that men with the highest levels of anger were three times more likely to develop heart disease. My big question is how long can Hightower’s abstaining approach keep the lid on anger before it explodes with very detrimental repercussions to the health and wellbeing of the "rageaholic and his loved ones?.
Keeping the lid on a steaming teakettle can be done for awhile but sooner or later the lid blows. Biting one’s tongue can be done for awhile but eventually there is bleeding. Human beings can hold anger in only for so long before acting out takes place. Talking is the way to blow off steam.
Hightower insists that "rageaholics" must buy into believing that it is better to be wrong all the times with their spouses. By demonstrating that they are wrong, "these critical, self-centered, controlling rageaholics" will convince their spouses that positive change is taking place. What an interesting therapeutic technique! If these "critical, self-centered, controlling, "rageaholic" men will turn themselves into milk toast "yes eunichs," they’ll not only save their marriages, but eradicate anger in themselves. I Don’t Think So – Not In The Long Term!.
Finally, Hightower prescribes communicating for the "rageaholics." His communication commandment goes like this. The "rageaholics" must control their anger by keeping their volume low, by learning to keep their tone kind and by learning to say the phrase, "You are right!" , I am Wrong". Wow!". Does Hightower believe he is dealing with robots or human beings? In his book, Hightower suggests an acronym – CBSSW – to be used by "rageaholics" when their spouses ask the why questions. "Why did you do that again? His suggested answers are C ( "I was crazy"), B ( " I was bad"), S ("I was stupid"), S ( "I was sick") and W ( " I was wrong"). I take issue with Hightower’s prescription for it teaches insincerity and dishonest communication. By suggesting that "rageaholics" use this technique, Hightower also contributes to diminishing the already low self esteem of these individuals he is counseling.
As a clinical psychologist with many years in private practice dealing not only with anger in the family but also in the workplace, I have seen the deleterious effects of rage and anger acted out in our society, but I strongly oppose the philosophy of the "Angerbuster’s Movement". I firmly believe that the verbal expression of anger to the "right" person produces a positive frame of mind with a concomitant reduction of stress and frustration.
The failure to cope with anger dramatically interferes with our ability to be fulfilled not only at home, but in the workplace. If an individual feels angry at a spouse, parent, co-worker or boss, he or she should have the right to share the feeling, but not the right to act out through means such as voice raising, door slamming or hitting. In all phases of our life today, we do not have this privilege of talking about anger and, as a result, we learn to suppress our anger. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE! When you don't’ verbalize anger, you act it out!
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By stuffing emotions , or abstaining from anger as Hightower proposes, I believe anger challenged individuals diminish their self worth and, in the long term , this will result in depression, fear and often rage – the very emotion the "Angerbusters Movement" hopes to eradicate. Also, the stuffing of emotions often results in the lowering of the immune systems opening up the possibility of serious illness.
Today, domestic and workplace anger is skyrocketing . According to the National Women Prevention Project , 34% of all women homicide victims over the age of 15, are killed by husbands and boyfriends often as an outgrowth of their rage and anger. Concomitantly, the National Safe Workplace Institute released a study showing that anger and violence costs American Business $4.2 Billion each year.
Contrary to Mr. Hightower, I believe that talking through anger between parties with appropriate counseling will be able to reduce domestic violence in America. Likewise, properly expressed anger in the workplace would lessen employee turnover.
Whether it be at home or in the workplace, there is a definite advantage to talk through your angry feelings to the right person who is very accepting, be that person your boss, your spouse or professional therapist. When you don’t talk through anger, you act out through rage, passive aggressiveness, backbiting and so many more negative vehicles of expression. Anger, if properly talked through, can create positive results. Many well known Americans have even used anger to produce powerful and beneficial changes in our country. In the history of this country, anger has sparked courageous citizens to speak out against injustices and brought people together to work for the common good. Anger is part of every human being’s makeup, and if expressed appropriately, is a useful emotion. It’s time to bust the AngerBuster’s Bubble!